I did a stand-up gig to a flock of pigeons the other day. It went well – they were eating out of the palm of my hand.
Sean Connery would often complain that he hadn’t found his niche. Turns out he was looking for his brother’s daughter.
When I told my wife there was a huge spider in the bath, she screamed and said, “Put it outside!” Now I’ve got a hernia – those old bathtubs can be pretty heavy…
A dog goes to the post office to send a telegram. The post office clerk says, “Well, OK. It’s five words on a line, $5 per line.” The dog says, “OK, cool. Write this down: ‘Woof woof woof, woof [...]
I got sacked today for downloading games onto my work computer and causing everything to crash,” I told my friend. “That’s a bit harsh,” he replied. “They don’t mess about at air-traffic [...]
A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop to try on dresses for their school formal. “Gross,” complained one [...]
A child was hospitalised after swallowing six plastic horses. Doctors describe his condition as stable.
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on the door of an old lady’s house. The lady takes one look at him and says, “You are wasting your time, I have no money,” and tries to close [...]
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I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations. What do their screen savers look like?
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.
Two men are out for a walk in a forest when they’re confronted by a huge grizzly bear. “Stay calm,” says Tom to Jim. “Don’t move a muscle.” Jim takes off his rucksack and starts to put on a pair [...]
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery [...]
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he replied. That evening, [...]
A woman notices a man smoking and decides to educate him. “How many packs do you smoke a day?” she asks. “Three,” he says. “How much does each pack cost?” “Around $15.” “And how long have you [...]
Frustrated by noisy neighbours one evening, my teenage son suggested my husband go round and tell them one of his 181. “But Dad’s jokes aren’t funny,” I reminded him. [...]
