I stayed in a hotel where the towels were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase.
This morning, the strangest thing happened. I got out of bed and started walking around the flat making small talk with various pieces of furniture. Turns out I’d pressed the schmooze button.
Tom’s wife was delighted when he told her he’d finally secured a job in the local bowling alley. “Ten pin?” she asked. “No,” replied Tom. “I think it’s permanent.”
Yesterday my mother asked me to hand out the invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party. That’s when I realised he was her favourite twin.
My wife was checking her emails and told me her password was “mickeyminniebatmanrobintomjerryLondon”. I asked her why it needed to be so long. “Because,” she replied, “I was told it had to have [...]
I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
After a check-up, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?” “Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.” “That’s a big decision. Have [...]
A young, inexperienced bank robber gets caught during his first heist and ends up in court. Crucial evidence – including security footage from the bank’s lobby – has gone missing. After weeks of [...]
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A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm. “Do you make fish cakes? he asked. “Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger. “Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”
The Three Wise Men sound very generous, but what you’ve got to remember is that those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents.
A dog thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. They must be my gods.” A cat thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. I must be their god.”
If a caveman from the Paleolithic era saw you turn down a cupcake because you’re on the “Paleo Diet”, he’d kill you with a sharpened seashell.
I did a stand-up gig to a flock of pigeons the other day. It went well – they were eating out of the palm of my hand.
Sean Connery would often complain that he hadn’t found his niche. Turns out he was looking for his brother’s daughter.
When I told my wife there was a huge spider in the bath, she screamed and said, “Put it outside!” Now I’ve got a hernia – those old bathtubs can be pretty heavy…
