A turtle was walking down a dark alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at [...]
About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather’s back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
While at a convention, Bill, Jim and Scott shared a hotel suite on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d [...]
At the start of my holiday I make list of odd jobs to be done around the house. At the end of the holiday I make a similar list. If both lists match, I have had a good holiday.
James and Stephen go into a sweet shop. James stealthily pockets three bars of chocolate and slips out. Gloating, he challenges Stephen to do something even bigger. “No problem,” replies Stephen. [...]
My fruit and vegetable business has unfortunately gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies.
The worst thing about being a doctor for the World Health Organisation is people get annoyed when they find out you don’t have a Tardis.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named “Fireworks and vacuums” so my dog won’t find them.
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I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.
I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me.
What’s the oddest thing about belonging to a support group for hypochondriacs? Every member calls in sick, but they all show up for the meeting.
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, and immediately she yells at him. “What are you complaining [...]
“Do you want to hear a good Batman impression?” asked my friend Dave. “Go on then,” I replied. “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” he screamed. “That’s Superman,” I said. “Thanks, I’ve been practising,” he replied.
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting.
A man approaches a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and says, “I’ve lost my wife in the aisles. Would you mind talking to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” the woman replies. [...]
