At the airport, just as my flight was called, I noticed the guy next to me knew exactly what he was doing. He had his documents ready, he joined the queue with perfect timing and sauntered [...]
Here are our Top Five 180, 181 that are so awful you have to love them… 1. How do you know when you’re going to drown in milk? When it’s past your eyes. 2. Struggling for gift ideas for mum this [...]
A turtle was walking down a dark alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at [...]
About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather’s back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
While at a convention, Bill, Jim and Scott shared a hotel suite on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d [...]
At the start of my holiday I make list of odd jobs to be done around the house. At the end of the holiday I make a similar list. If both lists match, I have had a good holiday.
James and Stephen go into a sweet shop. James stealthily pockets three bars of chocolate and slips out. Gloating, he challenges Stephen to do something even bigger. “No problem,” replies Stephen. [...]
My fruit and vegetable business has unfortunately gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies.
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The worst thing about being a doctor for the World Health Organisation is people get annoyed when they find out you don’t have a Tardis.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named “Fireworks and vacuums” so my dog won’t find them.
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.
I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me.
What’s the oddest thing about belonging to a support group for hypochondriacs? Every member calls in sick, but they all show up for the meeting.
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, and immediately she yells at him. “What are you complaining [...]
“Do you want to hear a good Batman impression?” asked my friend Dave. “Go on then,” I replied. “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” he screamed. “That’s Superman,” I said. “Thanks, I’ve been practising,” he replied.
