A book fell on my head today. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
It’s a ten-minute walk from my house to the pub. Weirdly, it’s a two-hour walk from the pub to my house.
An airline introduced a half-price fare for women accompanying their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the airline wrote to all of the wives who’d used the special [...]
A man sat on a train, chewing gum and staring vacantly across the aisle. Eventually, an old woman sitting opposite him leaned across the gap separating them. “It’s no good you speaking to me, [...]
Two elderly women out driving one day came to an intersection. The light was red, but they just carried on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it. I [...]
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bent and twisted 5-iron, standing over a lifeless man. A detective asks, “Is that your husband?” “Yes” replies [...]
Do you know why you cannot find any Aspirin in the jungle? Parrots eat ’em all.
A man hates his wife’s cat. He decides to load the cat off next to the road. Getting home, he finds the cat waiting for him on the doorstep. Again he takes the cat for a drive, driving much [...]
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Feeling sick, my sister grabbed the thermometer from the medicine cabinet and popped it into her mouth. “Uh, Julie, that’s the dog’s thermometer,” said my mother. Julie spit it out. “Ewww, was [...]
Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He’s trying to work out the combination.
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A man entered a silent religious order where you were only allowed to say two words a year, to the Bishop. At the end of his first year the man was asked by the Bishop for his two words. As he [...]
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and [...]
The wife left me a note on the fridge saying, “It’s no good – it’s just not working. I’m staying at Mum’s for a while.” I opened the door, the light came on and the beer was chilled. Goodness [...]
“Where do you want this huge roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss. “Just pop it in the corner,” he replied. It took me three hours.
