Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bent and twisted 5-iron, standing over a lifeless man. A detective asks, “Is that your husband?” “Yes” replies the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf [...]
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Jungle chuckle
Do you know why you cannot find any Aspirin in the jungle? Parrots eat ’em all.
Smart kitty
A man hates his wife’s cat. He decides to load the cat off next to the road. Getting home, he finds the cat waiting for him on the doorstep. Again he takes the cat for a drive, driving much further this time. Again, the cat is waiting for him by [...]
Wrong end
Feeling sick, my sister grabbed the thermometer from the medicine cabinet and popped it into her mouth. “Uh, Julie, that’s the dog’s thermometer,” said my mother. Julie spit it out. “Ewww, was that in Fitzie’s mouth?!” Mum hesitated before [...]
Wise crack
Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He’s trying to work out the combination.
Happy returns
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Silence is golden
A man entered a silent religious order where you were only allowed to say two words a year, to the Bishop. At the end of his first year the man was asked by the Bishop for his two words. As he had felt hungry often during the year, he replied [...]
Helping hand
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. [...]
Grounds for divorce
The wife left me a note on the fridge saying, “It’s no good – it’s just not working. I’m staying at Mum’s for a while.” I opened the door, the light came on and the beer was chilled. Goodness knows what she was on about!
So satisfying
“Where do you want this huge roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss. “Just pop it in the corner,” he replied. It took me three hours.
The bonds of marriage
A man is drinking with his wife when out of the blue he announces, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asks. “It’s me,” he says, “talking to the beer.”
Punbelievable
Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
Act natural
Matt’s dad picks him up from school. Knowing the parts for the school play were chosen that day, he asks his son if he got a role. Matt announces: “Yes, I play a man who’s been married for 20 years.” “That’s [...]
This just in…
OMG. President Lincoln has been shot! Wait, whoa, my internet connection is SUH-LOW.
Playful paradox
I hate people who say that time travel is a stupid idea. It’s exactly that kind of attitude that lost us World War Three.
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