16 sex problems marriage counsellors hear about all the time

With life comes changes like illness, disability, ageing, weight differences, and more. You may need to modify your sex life to go with your new normal. “You and your partner need to learn to adapt and grow as you go through life changes, creating new excitement and renewing energy,” says Tessina. “Tools, sex toys, lubricants, videos, and other aids can help you and your partner enhance your sexual connection and explore new options. Do whatever you can to keep your physical connection alive.”

“Turning the heat back on takes an understanding of why the flames went out,” says Dr Tom Murray, a marriage and family therapist. “A big reason for wildfires at the beginning of a relationship is the context; not much was known between you and everything was a mystery.” Now, everyday life stressors like jobs, kids and a mortgage change everything, he says. “Change the context and reignite the flames,” he says. He suggests communicating more, putting your phones down, and getting the TV out of the bedroom.

Read on for the 7 stages of marriage.

When you have little or low drive for sex, trying going back to the basics. “Couples should broaden their definition of sex to include activity other than intercourse,” says clinical social worker, Mindy Utay. “It can be any physical contact between partners done lovingly and tenderly.” She suggests holding hands, stroking one another, kissing, or just being in each other’s arms. “It takes the pressure off the act of sex and reimagines it,” says Utay. “This often opens the door to more physical contact and a gradual reconnection through physicality and eroticism.”

“Couples struggle with not having a desire for a sexual connection at the same time,” says Laura Heck, co-host of Marriage Therapy Radio who has a private practice in Salt Lake City. You can waste a lot of time waiting to always be on the same page, though. Instead, she suggests that you create sexual desire. “If you know your partner has a tried and true sexual arousal in the evening after the kids are put to bed, then start priming your mind and body earlier in the day,” she says.

You argue about how messy the house is or how they forgot to pay the water bill. This can kill your interest in sex. “Even if one partner can ‘forget’ about the bickering, the other may still be angry,” says clinical psychologist, Dr Carla Marie Manly. “Many a partner has said to me, ‘I can’t believe he would even think I’d want to have sex after such horrible behaviour.’” She suggests you both need to make the effort to be more respectful and kind to one another. “Then sexual intimacy can grow and blossom.”

Read on for the normal fights even happy couples have.

Resentment happens if one partner feels like they always have to initiate intimacy. “They feel that if they didn’t initiate, nothing would ever happen,” says marriage consultant, Lesli Doares. “They’re the one being set up for rejection.” That leaves one partner feeling undesired. “The person with the lower libido becomes the gatekeeper for sex,” says Doares. Adopt a willing mindset and initiate at least once a month, she suggests. “Then honour that commitment,” she says.

Sometimes a partner only fixates on his or her wants and needs. It does no good when one partner’s needs are ignored. “No one should feel forced to do something that they’re uncomfortable with,” says clinical social worker, Toni Coleman. Coleman suggests that couples discuss their feelings and reach a compromise. “Both of you should be satisfied and motivated to have a fulfilling sex life,” she says.

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Source: RD.com