40 funny tweets about parenting that will make your day

*Making macaroni and cheese*

Five-year-old: I wanna put the cheese in!

Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you very carefully pour this in?

Five-year-old: *Just waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding*

—@copymama

Me to a kid in the elevator holding a stuffed pig: Hey! Is that a pig?

Kid: He doesn’t like you.

Me: How can I make him like me?

Kid: If you stop asking questions.

—Helen Rosner, food writer

One of the weirdest things people would ask me when my kid was younger was, “Is he a good baby?”

Oh, no, this is one of those extremely bad babies. He runs an organized crime syndicate from his crib and sneaks cigarettes whenever I’m not looking.

—Anne Thériault, writer

Today my child is upset by “All the stuff that doesn’t have wheels.”

—@MyMomologue

If you’re on the fence about having kids, I suggest you listen to the same YouTube clip for five days straight, then see how you feel.

—@ramblinma

Three-year-old: *face covered in frosting*

Me: Were you eating cake?

Three-year-old: No. I just kissed it.

—@XplodingUnicorn

[Making pigs in a blanket]

Six-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

Six-year-old: Nobody you know in a blanket.

—@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie. That’s what I’m here for.

Nine-year-old: Why are arms the only body parts that have a pit?

Me: Just go to sleep.

—@Pork_Chop_Hair

Eight-year-old: How come you only cook food that I hate?

Me: Well, for starters, I keep a secret recipe book called Meals Kids Hate.

Eight-year-old: …

Me: …

Eight-year-old: *Whispers, wide-eyed.* I knew it!

—@LurkAtHomeMom

The best joke I heard this week was from my 11-year-old nephew: “Gender was invented by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.”

—@waxpancake