16 of the most insulting compliments

When you congratulate chronically late friends on making it on time you may think you’re rewarding good behavior but your “compliment” will likely have the opposite effect.

“You’re just pointing out that lateness is their norm and calling attention to that,” says Laura MacLeod, a licensed social worker and founder of From The Inside Out Project.

“This also can come across as condescending.”

People love getting compliments on a new look but when you add on anything extra you run the risk of pointing out that they looked worse before – in this scenario, you’re saying their old hairstyle made them look old, says Wyatt Fisher, PhD, a licensed psychologist in Colorado.

Just stick to the compliment, there’s no need to elaborate, he adds.

Telling your spouse you’re so impressed with how they parent in a general way can make it seem like you’re surprised they’re managing at all, Fisher says.

This is especially true when it’s the primary parent (often the mom), “complimenting” the other parent (often the dad).

It’s fine to compliment specific things – for example, “That was great how you handled that tantrum so patiently” – but steer clear of general platitudes.

When someone is going through something tough we want to express our support and our confidence in their ability to handle it.

Unfortunately saying this just calls attention to the fact that their life really stinks right now without adding anything helpful, says Caleb Backe, a health and wellness expert for Maple Holistics.

Moreover, sometimes people don’t want to be “strong” or they don’t feel like they can handle their challenges and this comment can make them feel even less adequate because they’re not doing what they’re “supposed” to do.

This “compliment” has many nauseating variations and is often used as a subtle form of racism, sexism, or other problematic biases, says Irina Baechle, licensed social worker, a relationship therapist and coach.

“You’re so articulate…for a black person.”

“You’re in such good shape…for a mom.” “You’re so smart…for someone who’s never been to college.”

You never need whatever follows the “for”; just stop with “You’re so well-spoken/fit/intelligent/etc.”

You may be trying to give someone their hard-earned credit but this can also be a backhanded way of saying they’re not a team player.

In addition, this is only considered a compliment at all for people living in societies that put a high importance on the individual, like the U.S.

For someone that is from a culture that values group or family success over individual achievement, this may not only feel insulting but also humiliating, explains Jason Sackett, an executive coach and author of Compassion at Work: Creating Workplaces that Engage the Human Spirit.

Who doesn’t like to hear that you find them attractive?

A lot of people, it turns out.

Commenting on someone’s appearance when you don’t have a close personal relationship with them – like a coworker, casual acquaintance, or a stranger – can make them feel uncomfortable or even harassed, depending on the context, Sackett says.

Plus, it’s kind of a lazy compliment.

“The most powerful (and safest) compliments are those that you know the recipient will feel connected to before you offer it,” he adds.

Complimenting your child for doing something well is parenting 101, right?

Turns out, complimenting their achievements can seriously backfire, making them think that’s all you care about, says Amy McManus, a licensed marriage and family therapist in LA.

“It’s more important to compliment your children on the actions that reflect your family’s values, like persistence in the face of discouragement, helping others, or working hard toward a goal.”

Just like complimenting kids only for their straight-A report card or soccer goal makes them believe that is what you value in them, complimenting your partner only on their achievements can make them feel more like a paycheck than a person, McManus says.

“Plus, they may or may not feel they earned it, or are remembering when they didn’t get it before, and a compliment can stir up complicated feelings like guilt or embarrassment,” she adds.

When you tell someone they look great for their age, the subtext is they don’t look pretty or handsome in general, just in comparison to wizened crones.

Instead of subtly insulting their looks, just leave off the qualifier – “for your age” – and tell them they look great, says Travis Chapman, author of The Unconditional Truth.

Besides, age is beautiful.