14 things your dinner party host secretly thinks about you

Learn how to impress, rather than stress, your host at your next dinner party.

The right time to arrive at a dinner party is not a moment before you were invited, according to Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of evergreen etiquette arbiter, Emily Post. In a conversation with Vanity Fair about the dos and don’ts of dinner parties, Post was quoted as imploring all dinner guests to never arrive before the appointed time. “It is rude and it puts your host in an uncomfortable position.”

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As in, “dinner party newbie.” Whenever you’re invited to a dinner party, it’s your duty as a guest to bring a gift to the hostess, according to Post. “Your best bet is flowers already in a vase,” she advises. But if you don’t bring anything, the question on your host’s mind will be, “First time at a dinner party?” Find the right hostess gift with this ultimate hostess gift guide for every occasion.

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…and not in a good way. While lively conversation may well meander into politics (or religion or sex, for that matter), it can quickly become “inelegant,” Post says. At that point, it’s up to your host to reroute the discussion, but when he or she does, you’ll want to go with it, lest you be viewed as argumentative.

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Unless your host specifically asked you to bring a dish, you most definitely should not bring a dish with you, says The Washington Post’s Miss Manners. It encroaches on the host’s presumably well-planned menu, at best. At worst, you’ll be seen as a nuisance, as it was with the host who told Miss Manners about the time a guest brought a fruit salad and “commandeered” the kitchen for “the better part of an hour” to prepare it.

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Good parties have good bars, according to Post, but that also means there’s a chance a guest might overdo the booze. And when that happens, it’s a huge responsibility for the host, who may feel obliged to take away the guest’s keys and let the guest stay for the night.

“Real-life interactions are dulled when a person feels the urge to check their phone,” TIME points out, and the distraction can destroy the vibe of a social interaction. Even the mere presence of your mobile phone on the table during dinner interferes with the ability of those at the table to connect in a meaningful way, according to this study.

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“If you’re having dinner with friends and family, be with them,” writes Cindy Post Senning on EmilyPost.com. “The guideline is that you do not text when you are involved in any type of social interaction – conversation, listening, in class, at a meeting or, especially, at the dinner table. If you really need to communicate with someone who is not at the event – or at the table – excuse yourself, send your message, and then return as soon as you can.” To do otherwise might understandably hurt your host’s feelings.

While it’s certainly admirable to offer to pitch in, say with serving or clearing, it’s important to be mindful of how quickly your efforts can become burdensome to your host. “Pitching in is admirable if the situation requires it, but it can often verge into awkward territory,” notes Lizzie Post. “You can always offer to help out, but you don’t have to insist upon it. You know, you’re not this person’s best friend. Let yourself be a guest. Don’t try to insert yourself into everything.”

Look around at the other guests at the dinner party, and recognise you all have one thing in common: You’ve been hand-picked by the host to come together for dinner and conversation, according to Saveur magazine. That means your host intended for you to mingle with one another. You have no obligation to make life-long friends, but it would be super-nice for your host and the other guests if you would make a good faith attempt to engage your dinner companions in friendly conversation.

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