The world’s dumbest criminals: true stories of the planet’s thickest thieves

A would-be thief who broke into a Melbourne bakery found, for all his troubles, he’d trapped himself in a locked storeroom. He was captured on CCTV stacking containers, chairs and bins in a desperate attempt to climb up to the roof. Cameras rolled for 30 minutes as he attempted to scale the pile, crashing to the ground at least five times. The would-be burglar eventually freed himself and handed himself in.

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Two burglars rifling through an apartment were disturbed by police and jumped out of a window with a stash of jewellery. Soon afterwards, the police picked up two men acting suspiciously. While in custody one man became ill and needed hospital treatment. X-rays showed up the problem: two rings, a pendant and a necklace – all swallowed in haste. After swift surgery, the apartment owner identified the items and police did the rest.

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A 32-year-old man was jailed for three years when he was found hanging upside down from a window after trying to break into a terrace house in Kent. “Having been caught hanging literally upside down from the window of the house he was attempting to break into, he was left with little choice but to admit his crime and take his punishment on the chin,” said police.

Obviously the idea to rob a bank crossed this Illinois resident’s mind, but he failed to logically think it through. The 40-year-old man walked into the bank, handed the cashier a threatening note that read: “Be Quick Be Quit [quiet]. Give your cash or I’ll shoot.” The bank teller obliged and handed him $400, but the thief had overlooked the fact that his message was scribbled on a piece of his pay slip. Detectives found the other half of the pay slip outside the bank – complete with the bank robber’s name and home address.

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Modern technology foiled this felon when he and a mate were found with 103g of marijuana in their car. While they were at the station for questioning, a third man sent a text message to one of their mobile phones, saying, “water my weed, please.” The police went to his place and found a small backyard plantation. The driver was convicted of possession and the intention to deal in drugs. His two friends were let off due to a lack of evidence.

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One local thief had high standards but poor follow through. When Wellington Silva Oliveira robbed a cook, taking his wallet and watch, he was upset to find the watch wasn’t quite what he wanted. So he kept the money but returned with the watch, claiming it was a “fake”. While his victim hurried to report the mugging to police, Oliveira stopped to play soccer at a nearby field, where he was still playing when police arrived and arrested him.

Listen to our podcast ‘The case of the Rolex murder’ to hear how a Rolex watch helped to solve a baffling crime.

This dumb criminal left behind a vital clue at a house he’d broken into: his mobile phone with a photo of himself on it. He was recognised by a detective investigating the theft. At first the thief claimed he had lost his phone and someone else was using it, but this excuse fell through when the stolen goods were found at his home. The 44-year-old was sentenced to 160 hours of community service.

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One wannabe thief had obviously watched too much TV. When the 29-year-old tried to break into his neighbour’s flat by using a bank card, he woke up the owner. In the thief’s haste to get away, the card snapped in half, leaving behind his name and account details. “The victim called up and read us the details off the card,” police said. “When we got to the burglar’s house, the other half of his bank card was on his kitchen table.”

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One thief got more than he bargained for when he reached into the window of a parked car and snatched a tote. The bag belonged to professional snake catcher Brad McDonald; inside was a highly venomous snake McDonald had just captured from an underground car park in Sydney. Gotcha!

A policeman responding to a burglary report at a house in Johannesburg sat down on the couch to take a statement, not realising a burglar was hiding underneath it. The homeowner looked down and saw the burglar lying flat on his stomach half under and behind the couch. His head was right near the policeman’s legs. The policeman jumped off the couch and the man was arrested, after handing back stolen jewellery and a digital camera .“The police were so chuffed. They were in seventh heaven that they caught him. The whole thing was so bizarre,” the homeowner told The Star newspaper.