25 little sex mistakes you don’t realise you’re making

You don’t need champagne or satin sheets in order to have a great sex life, but you do need to watch out for these common sex saboteurs.

Movie sex, like pretty much everything in the movies, is a concoction of fantasy and special effects only loosely tied to reality, yet many people feel that they must be able to have sex “like in the movies,” says Alex Chinks, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist and clinical sexologist. If you can’t, say, maintain an erection for an hour or achieve a vaginal orgasm it can wreak havoc on your self-esteem and actually make sex harder, she says. “Keep expectations realistic and be open to changing the ‘script,’” Dr. Chinks says. “It’s important to realise that great sex is usually achieved through the simplest acts and a meaningful connection to one’s partner.”

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File this under funny but true: People are often more comfortable having sex than talking about it, Chinks says. “So many couples are plagued by shame over their sexual preferences and needs and not feeling as though they can ‘speak up’ to their partners,” she says. “Without good communication, couples often find themselves having sex that feels scripted or repetitive and unsatisfying.” Or not having sex at all. And that would be bad. Because in addition to building intimacy, sex confers a lot of health benefits and even increases longevity.

Contrary to that image in your mind, socks may actually be the sexiest article of clothing, as wearing them can increase your chance of having an orgasm, according to research done by a US University. No one is sure exactly why this works but one theory is that in order to orgasm, you need to be totally relaxed and anxiety-free and cold feet can interfere with the ability to really get into sex, especially for women, says Fran Walfish, PhD, a psychotherapist and author. “Though we usually recommend knocking her socks off, leave them on this time,” she adds.

“People get offended or become shaming if their partner doesn’t orgasm or is not equally aroused,” says Alexandra Katehakis, clinical director at the Center For Healthy Sex in Los Angeles. But there’s no more of a turn-off than being interrogated by an angry or offended partner, making orgasm even less likely in the future. So rather than take offense, be curious, be kind and most of all, be patient to see if you can discover the path to stimulation and orgasm together, she adds. It’s worth the time, given these unexpected health benefits of sex.

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People like to have sex the way they like to have sex. This shouldn’t surprise anyone and yet too many people assume their partners will automatically enjoy sex the same way they do, Katehakis says. So instead of pulling out the French maid costume right away, take time before you’re in the bedroom to have a safe, compassionate conversation. Even if you’ve been together for years, your partner’s preferences may surprise you.

Gas happens. So does falling off the bed, losing a contact lens and burping – even during sexy times. So don’t take yourself too seriously! “While sex should be passionate, it should also be fun, so don’t be afraid to smile and even laugh during sex, especially at the occasional mishap,” says Jonathan Bennett, a certified counsellor, author and relationship coach at The Popular Man. “This doesn’t mean making fun of your partner (or yourself). Rather, you’re so comfortable with each other, you’re both able to experience a whole range of emotions during sex.”

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Sometimes orgasm shouldn’t be the end goal, says Melody Li, a licensed marriage and family therapist associate and relationship specialist. “Sexual pleasure is experienced through the process of teasing, creating desire, experimenting with different types of touch, playing and fantasizing and so much more,” she explains. “Focusing solely on reaching orgasm can even lead to ‘performance anxiety’ and emotional disconnection. Instead, let go of making orgasm the goal and stay present with pleasurable sensations and your partner’s responses.”

Do you think that if your partner really loved you, he or she would know how to please you in bed? Think again, Li says. “This is especially relevant for women because American culture has long shamed women who take charge of their sexual pleasure,” she says. “I encourage partners to take the guesswork out of sex and speak up, verbally or through touch. It’s perfectly OK to ask for what you desire!”

There is a whole wide world of variety when it comes to sex, yet so many couples stick with the same script every time. It’s time to Change. It. Up. “I think there’s an anxiety in telling your partner that you want something different in bed because it may imply that you aren’t satisfied with the current sex, which isn’t true,” says Bethany Ricciardi, a sex expert at Too Timid. “Instead, tell them something you want to try, like new positions or places to have sex. Start small.”