RDNZTBMag2026

I’ve spent 37 years working on The Simpsons as a writer, showrunner and producer. I’ve written jokes for Johnny Carson, Joan Rivers and—no joke— Pope Francis. I’ve met two Beatles and one president (Biden). Despite all that, I’m most famous as “that guy who didn’t die on that sub.” “That sub” was the Titan , which imploded almost three years ago, kill- ing all on board. One year before that happened, I rode the Titan 21/2 miles down to see the wreck of the Titanic . Let me begin by saying that my wife, Denise, and I like danger. And by “my wife and I,” I mean just my wife— not me, not even a little. Our friends know this, so one called from Seattle to tell us, “A guy in my neighborhood is building submarines to go to the bot- tom of the ocean.” I replied, “That sounds like a fun way to get killed.” I would be right, but that was still years away. This was the first we’d heard of Stockton Rush. They say name is destiny. Martin Short really is short. Fats Domino was pretty fat. And Cedric the Entertainer … looks like a Cedric. So when your name is Stockton Rush, you can’t become a dog groomer; you are doomed to a life of adventure. Mr. Rush was as hand- some and suave as a soap opera doctor. He had a smooth voice and a bottomless supply of quips, like “You’re never too old to be an idiot” and “Clint Eastwood once toldme, ‘Don’t drop names.’” He’d had every career an 8-year-old boy could dream of: inventor, airline pilot, aerospace engineer testing F-15 fighter jets, and now a submersible captain. We were hooked. We took two trips with Capt. Rush. The first, in 2020, left froman exotic port off a mysterious island known as … Staten. A hundred miles off Staten Island is Hudson Canyon, an under- water chasm the size of the Grand Canyon. We were going to dive it in the Cyclops, a submersible made by Stock- ton’s private company, OceanGate. It was gleaming and streamlined, just like a Star Wars TIE fighter … or a high-end vape pen. The viewport was a giant acrylic eyeball surrounded by spotlights and a laser. Since a submers- ible has to be towed to its dive spot, unlike a submarine, a tugboat pulled the Cyclops , bobbing and bouncing, as we headed out to sea. And when we reached our dive spot, the Cyclops looked beat to hell, battered by waves and lashed by its own tow rope. The white outer shell had cracked—chunks had fallen off, reveal- ing the steel hull below. I heard that some lights and a laser were gone. Capt. Rush surveyed the damage: “We’re good to go!” Themost dangerous part of riding the Cyclops was getting into the damn thing. Nobody put a lot of thought into this.They simply leaned a 6-foot kitchen ladder against the floating submersible. You had to scramble up the ladder as it bobbed with the waves, leap over to a tiny entry hatch on the top, then plunge 22 may 2026 reader ’ s digest Adventure blindly into the interior, dropping about 6 feet into darkness. Once you were in, it was groovy: cool, dimly lit, quiet. The interior was about the same size as a minivan; it would seat five, if there were seats. Instead, the five of us spread out on the car- peted floor: pilot, co-pilot, my wife, myself and one other rich stupid tourist with a death wish. We sank noiselessly, peacefully, through the ocean. The moment we touched bottom, a loud squawk came on the radio: “Everything is broken! Repeat, everything is broken!” The sonar, the computers and the lights all stopped working. We went back to the surface immediately. While they repaired the submersible, we spent three days on the tugboat, trapped with the ship’s cook, Psycho. This was more than a nickname—he had it embroidered on his overalls. I’m sure that’s how he signed his taxes: Psycho! He explained, “Folks call me Psycho ’cause I got yellow eyes like Anthony Perkins in that movie.” Yeah, maybe. I once watched our Psycho chase a moth around the kitchen for an hour, muttering the whole time: “I’m gonna get you, moth. You ain’t gonna get the better of me. No moth gonna outsmart Psycho.” (Two notes: The moth did outsmart Psycho, and Anthony Perkins did not have yellow eyes.) readersdigest.co.nz 23