RDNZ_2026-ISSUE0809_DIGITAL MAGAZINE

TOM WINDEKNECHT/GETTY IMAGES Massachusetts asked the public to recom- mend a new state motto to replace “By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty.” A date to announce a winner has not been decided, but we’d be fine with any of these submissions: ) “Witch-free since 1693” ) “Massachusetts: We Made Your CEO” ) “In Cod We Trust” ) “The Gateway to New Hampshire” ) Massachusetts: Providing Spelling Bee Fodder for the Ages —mass.gov Last night, my friend changed all my con- tacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn’t upset me at all. —textsfromlastnight.com Confined to a hospital room following my open-heart surgery, I had nothing to do but read or watch TV. After a week, I was bored and miserable. When my doctor stopped by on his rounds, he asked, “How’s it going?” “Honestly, I’m depressed,” I said. He nodded under- standingly and advised, “Stop watching the news.” —David Elton Lewisburg, PA Dad, ever the strate- gizer, decided it was time to prearrange fu- neral plans for himself and my mother. On his way out the door to the your funny story about friends or family could be worth $$$. For details, go to page 2 or rd.com/submit. funeral home, he asked if she wanted to come along. “You can pick out your own casket that way,” he explained excitedly. Mom, who wasn’t as gung-ho about the project, replied, “No. You do it. I want to be surprised.” —Ken Wendle Alton, IL HE WRITES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS You can’t say God doesn’t have a sense of humor after reading these signs found outside churches: ) “Lord, help us to be the people our dogs think we are.” ) “Forgive your enemies—it messes with their heads.” ) “Live your life well so we don’t have to lie at your funeral.” ) “Cremation is your last chance for a smoking-hot body.” ) “Acting perfect in church is like dress- ing up for an X-ray.” —boredpanda.com JUST LOVE EVERYONE. I’LL SORT ’EM OUT LATER. —GOD World of Good hanging in my closet.” —Bonnie Hawks Christiansburg, VA My mom and I never forgot hearing a woman tell the announcer on a local call-in radio show : “I’m the one who called in yesterday in response to the person who wanted to know how to keep squirrels out of her rosebushes. I suggested spreading peanuts on the ground around the bushes. I’m calling back now to find out if it worked.” —Ken Westhassel Medford, MA I consider myself rea- sonably intelligent, but I cannot process how to play complex board games. You all sound like, “And then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every fourth turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire.” — @sewistwrites It was the journey of a lifetime: My 14-year- old grandson spent 20 days canoeing in a secluded part of Canada, along with 10 other boys plus counselors. On his return, my wife asked what he had learned from the trip. My grandson responded: “Don’t be annoying to people you’re going to spend 20 days with.” —James Walpole Lewes, DE Overheard in a clothing store: “That’s a pretty top. I’d never wear it, but it would look good “It’s from the HOA. We have to get rid of the shell.” Two things I learned yesterday: I’m not too old to sit in a beanbag, but I am too old to get out of one. — @sixfootcandy reader ’ s digest cartoon by Jim Benton LIFE 10   August/september 2026  |  reAdersdigest .co.nz