RDNZ_2026-ISSUE0809_DIGITAL MAGAZINE

reader ’ s digest 116 August/september 2026 From left, Giorgio, Elysha & Valentino - New York, December 2023. several weeks with neither fanfare nor expectation. He didn’t bring casseroles; he simply stayed. He walked the dog, provided quiet company, and took Giorgio to be fitted for a funeral shirt. This quiet reliability removed daily responsibilities frommy plate without the need for negotiation. Christian asked for nothing – no emotional processing or reciprocal investment. He provided practical support exactly when it was required. Meanwhile, foundational friendships revealed unexpected fragility. Closest friends who messaged daily in the first weeks dwindled to weekly check-ins by month two. By four months, they had stopped entirely. Conversely, a colleague I considered a mere acquaintance emerged as a mainstay. He offered his holiday house when the boys needed an escape, referred us to counsellors, and hosted quiet lunches where conversation balanced work matters with our devastating reality. He never promised what he couldn’t deliver. In contrast, a distant acquaintance cornered me at the grocery store to insist that ‘everything happens for a reason’. I nodded politely, thinking that sometimes the reason is simply that life is a chaotic dumpster fire. I then spent twenty minutes pretending to study pasta sauce brands to avoid further cosmic wisdom. The school community was equally complex. Some parents maintained a careful distance, as if grief were contagious; others provided support without emotional acknowledgement. The Clockwise from top left, Paul, Elysha, Valentino & Giorgio - Hawaii Vow Renewal. From left, Elysha & Paul. readersdigest.co.nz 117 Book Review From left, Giorgio, Elysha & Valentino As the first year progressed, our needs evolved from crisis intervention to sustainable structures. Immediate help with meals became less necessary as basic functions stabilised. We required ongoing emotional support that acknowledged grief ’s continuing presence. This evolution required explicit communication. I learnt that ‘let me know if you need anything’ rarely led to help unless I was specific. I began responding with: ‘Actually, it would be helpful if you could take the boys for a few hours on Saturday so I can catch up on work.’ This specificity transformed intentions into support. While some people disappeared when faced with sustained commitment, those who remained became increasingly valuable. teaching staff became significant village members, creating an environment that acknowledged the boys’ loss without defining them by it. They adjusted timelines when academic demands became overwhelming and intervened with gentle redirection when other children asked awkward questions. Crucially, they recognised significant dates and volunteered to provide lunches for the first semester. Their attendance at Elysha’s funeral meant a great deal. Vanessa, who had been with us since Valentino was a toddler and had long since become more friend than employee, also became essential. She had watched the boys grow. She had loved them for years before she was asked to love them through loss. She recognised that Giorgio and Valentino required distinct forms of support. Giorgio processed grief through intellectual engagement – reading about loss and asking about biological mechanisms. Valentino needed sensory connection and physical comfort. Vanessa’s intuition complemented my own instincts, which often defaulted to the verbal explanations Giorgio preferred. In crisis, my capacity to maintain these differentiated approaches had narrowed.