39 Secrets Your Waiter Will Never Tell You

Why is it that your waiter always shares things, you don't want to know ("Hi, my name is Hamish and I'll be your waiter tonight")- not the things you need to know ("I'm pushing the salmon tonight because it's not getting any younger back there")? What would a group of waiters from across the world tell you if they could get away with it? Well, for starters they would tell you when to eat out, what not to order, what really happens behind the kitchen's swinging doors, and what they think of you and your tips. Here are a few revelations that aren't on any menu.

By Michelle Crouch

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A waiter with a mask on Photo: iStock

What we lie about

≫ We’re not allowed to tell customers we don’t like a dish. So if you ask your waitress how something is and she says, “It’s one of our most popular dishes,” chances are she doesn’t like it.

Waitress at a pizza restaurant

≫ If you’re looking for your waiter and another waiter tells you he’s getting something out of the stockroom, you can bet he’s out back having a quick smoke.

Charlie Kondek, former waiter in Michigan

≫ If someone orders a frozen drink that’s annoying to make, I’ll say, “Oh, we’re out. Sorry!” when really I just don’t want to make it. But if you order water instead of another drink, suddenly we do have what you originally wanted because I don’t want to lose your drink on the bill.

Waitress at a Mexican restaurant in New York

What you’re really swallowing

≫ Full fat milk + water = skinny milk at a pinch. Especially at the end of a night.

Waiter who’s worked at fine-dining restaurants in Australia

≫ If your dessert says “homemade”, it probably is. But it might be homemade at a bakery four kilometres away.

Charity Ohlund, Kansas City waitress

≫ No-one has ever made hollandaise to order – it’s not possible. Be prepared for hollandaise that’s a few hours’ old and has bred its own little bacteria kingdom. If you have a strong constitution that’s fine, but if you’re delicate, steer clear.

Former waitress at a theatre-district restaurant

≫ Nine times out of ten, even in expensive restaurants, the calamari will be frozen. Calamari doesn’t taste like anything.

Waiter who’s worked at fine-dining restaurants in Australia

What we want you to know

≫ When you’re with a woman who’s not your wife, you’re a lot nicer to us, probably because you know that we know she’s not your wife.

Caroline Radaj, waitress at Milwaukee members-only club

≫ If you’re having a disagreement over dinner and all of a sudden other waiters come by to refill your water or clear your plates, or you notice a waiter slowly refilling the salt and pepper shakers at the table next to yours, assume that we’re listening.

Charity Ohlund

≫ First dates, especially blind internet dates, are great for tips. You know he’ll probably order a bottle of wine and leave a 20-25% tip because he’s showing off.

Jeremy Burton, waiter in Michigan