13 things your waiter won’t tell you

1. Avoid eating out on holidays and Saturday nights. The sheer volume of customers guarantees that most kitchens will be pushed beyond their ability to produce a high-quality dish.

2. There are almost never any sick days in the restaurant business. A waiter with a child to support isn’t going to stay home and miss out on $80 because he’s got strep throat. And these are the people handling your food.

3. When customers’ rage devolves into personal attacks, adulterating food or drink is a convenient way for servers to exact covert vengeance. Waiters can and do spit in people’s food.

4. Never say “I’m friends with the owner.” Restaurant owners don’t have friends. This marks you as a clueless poseur the moment you walk in the door.
 

5. Treat others as you want to be treated. (Yes, people need to be reminded of this.)

6. Don’t snap your fingers to get our attention. Remember, we have shears that cut through bone in the kitchen.

7. Don’t order meals that aren’t on the menu. You’re forcing the chef to cook something he doesn’t make on a regular basis. If he makes the same dish 10,000 times a month, the odds are good that it will be a success every time.

8. Splitting dishes is OK, but don’t ask for water, lemon and sugar so you can make your own lemonade. What’s next, grapes so you can press your own wine?

9. If you find a waiter you like, always ask to be seated in his or her section. Tell all your friends so they’ll start asking for that server as well. You’ve just made that waiter look indispensable to the owner. The server will be grateful and take good care of you.

10. If you can’t afford to leave a tip, you can’t afford to eat in the restaurant.